May. 14th, 2017 10:32 pm
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[personal profile] astillar
Last week was a lot of up and downs. At the onset I extended an invitation to Bamboo. I had a pair of tickets to go see Colossal at the Drafthouse. It was a low-stakes offer. She actually responded, “I’d consider going, but I already have plans to go bowling with friends that night.” I hadn’t really expected her to take me up on the invite, but I was gladdened that she at least considered it.
Then the next day, she texted me asking if I’d deleted all the songs off of her iPod. She caught me while I was drinking and it took me a few minutes to figure out where she was coming from. I’d held onto it one evening back in November or December to look through the list of artists. When I realized she was serious, I recounted what I remembered of the night. I knew I’d done nothing fishy, but after my explanation she kept saying that she was giving me a chance to admit it.
It bothered me that she was so quick to accuse me again, months after we’d parted ways. But the next day was the greatest insult. It was the day before Good Friday so we had half a day of school followed by staff development. Unexpectedly, Bamboo caught up to me for a few seconds as we were moving from one session to another.

She said, “I want you to know I’m not angry at you.”
“Are you sure? It would be easier if you were.”
“No, it’s just material (things?).”

For the rest of the afternoon I took encouragement from her gesture of . . . forgiveness. But that evening I considered it further. She had said that she wasn’t angry at me, but not that she believed me. Forgiving me meant that she believes I did it, but is letting it go. This realization really discouraged me. I know I didn’t do it, I explained as best I could, but it didn’t matter. She believed I did it and that I was lying to her about it.
I couldn’t reconcile this. Why were we talking again if she believes I’ve lied to her in the past and continue to lie to her? I don’t want her to forgive me, I want her to believe me.
Back in January and February when I was desperate to know her thoughts, she refused to tell me. “It doesn’t matter what I believe!” she had said. Lacking a clear answer allowed me to hold onto the small hope that we’d reconcile in time. It wasn’t until this iPod conversation that it became clear. She doesn’t trust me to tell her the truth, regardless of any conversations or laughs we may share today. This truth is what I’d wanted to hear from her in January. It hurt less now than it would have hurt then, but hurt nonetheless. I feel as depressed as I had back then.
Throughout the week my emotions have swung high and low based on her responses. This tells me I’m far from over this incident. And now it was obvious that there is no trust between us. I’d been deluding myself these past few weeks, thinking that the resumption of talks meant that we were re-building our friendship. I’d been deluding myself. My misery was being kept fresh by hope.
I wrote a letter to Bamboo explaining that I was going to renew my efforts to observe that distance that she’d asked me to keep, for my own reasons this time. I basically outlined the same reasons I have here. I texted that letter to her.

She asked, “What’s this?”

A long-winded way of saying I’m going to work harder to leave you alone, for my own reasons.

I don’t need to read that. And ok. Take care.

Okay then.

I mean what am I supposed to say to that?

I don’t know if I expected any sort of response. I just thought you would see this as good news.

Why? We have been talking and being friendly. // But ok. It’s your choice. I don’t mind.

Talking to you again has meant a lot to me. But the ipod conversation showed me there’s a deep distrust between us. I don’t want to bother you with my words or presence if its always going to be tainted by distrust. I’d be wasting my time and fooling myself.


That was Friday morning and I immediately regretted it. Her response seemed to say she didn’t really care one way or another if we stayed in touch or not. I knew a clean break would be the fastest most certain way to get past this. This isn’t what I wanted to do, but I felt it’s what I needed to do.

I held onto that commitment for two days. I don’t know if I’m weak or came around to the practical realization that I’m doing more damage by insisting on “all or nothing.” I apologized to Bamboo for the weird stuff I sent her Friday morning.

Sorry about the weird shit on Friday. I was beating myself up that day and trying to convince myself to do what I thought was right. But I don’t have the willpower to do that. I’d rather have small-talk than no talk.


Why the Friday stuff or this message?

Both, I guess.

I have a bad habit of seeing things in absolutes. Since we had started talking again I thought we were starting to patch things up, but the ipod talk showed me I was mistaken. It was a bitter pill to swallow.
I still get emotional about this stuff and I thought the best way to get over it for good would be to commit to maintaining the distance you asked me for.
But then I started thinking about past times when I’ve tried to be . . . strict with myself and those close to me. It’s never worked. It sounds good in theory, but it never pans out.
So I’m giving up on optimistic hopes and accepting that things are just the way they are.”

Ok, thanks for sharing.

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