Unburdened

Feb. 6th, 2010 01:41 pm
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Big Bad Wolf? )

I'm ashamed that I've recently been vilifying Liz here in this journal. I don't take back anything I've written, because I still believe it to be true, but it's unkind. While I believe her flaws sabotaged our relationship and ultimately caused me pain, they will cause more hurt to her over her life time. It's a handicap she'll live with and it's cruel to continue drawing attention to it. I'm sorry I was doing that.

As for me, I feel that this concludes the matter. There's nothing more that I seek from her. I'm glad I did this. It removed that last splinter. I believe the bulk of anguish is behind me now. I feel like I've let it go.
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I guess it’s better that I didn’t go with my impulse and head over to Liz’s place to force a meeting. Getting my stuff back would have been my excuse for going, but my real reason would have been to ask her one question. It’s a question she never allowed me to ask before and now that I was pissed off and figured I have nothing left to lose, I saw this ladder thing as probably my last and only chance to get an answer. If I could get an honest answer, it wouldn’t really change anything, but it would help me to get closure on us. It’s just something I think I need to know to really understand how we fell apart.
Some people have mentioned that contacting her just seems to add fuel to the fire, riling me up for days or weeks afterwards. I agree and I have to admit that there’s practically zero chance that I could get the honest answer I’m looking for. Overall, it seems that a blitzkrieg would do more harm than good. The truth would help me learn from this relationship, but it’s such a long shot that it ain’t worth the gamble. Since I can’t get the truth, I’ll just assume the worst instead. Cynicism won’t be as useful to me as the truth would have been, but it’ll help me get past this relationship much faster.
Let her live in her house of cards.
I’m tired of giving a shit.
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I don't know why I still continue to think about my past relationship. It just evokes feelings of bitterness, resentment, and anger, so I don't WANT to think about it, yet I frequently do. I keep fixating on the problems we had and getting worked up about it as if it still mattered. Like recently I figured out that Liz dumped me the same way she did her previous boyfriend; she freezes the boyfriend out for months while she pursues a new relationship with another guy, until boyfriend tires of waiting and trying and decides to break up. That realization makes me boil over, that she pulled that same stunt with me. The rational part of me says, "Yeah, that was a dick move, but get over it. You guys are done, it doesn't matter anymore so stop thinking about it. It just gets you angry and worked up. Stop it." Still, I keep thinking about this and the other bullshit we had.
Honestly, I'm tired of thinking about all this crap. I want to be done with it. That's why I broke up with her, because I wanted to be done with it. All of it. So I don't understand why I keep beating this dead horse. So I wonder, why do I keep thinking about it? Is there some stubborn part of myself that refuses to give up until I convince myself, or Liz, or the world that I was right and she was all wrong? I don't know, maybe? It's not a flattering explanation, but it would explain why I doggedly keep returning to this subject. Or maybe I just _enjoy_ feeling angry and righteous and so I keep stirring myself up because I get off on it. I doubt this theory even more than the last one, but I can't dismiss it completely.
*sigh*
Then I consider: Well maybe you continue to think about this relationship (despite all the negative emotions that result) because it was very important to you for quite some time. Maybe just out of sheer habit you're still geared to think about these matters. Or maybe, after all the effort and counseling you two went through to solve your problems, you can't just accept that there was no resolution, and that you won't be able to let this go until . . . ?
I don't know, it's all confusing and tiring for me to try and figure out. One stupid idea that keeps coming to mind is "The best way to stop thinking about your last relationship is to get into a new one." I know that's immature logic but I'm hard-pressed to come up with anything else that resembles a solution.
I don't even know what the point of this post was. I guess I'm just tired of picking at this same old scab.
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I've been meaning to do a year-in-review post for a couple weeks now and if I don't do it already, it' ain't gonna get done. So better late than never. I liked the format that [livejournal.com profile] opheliasavalon used, so that's what I'll be using. I've gotta say, thank goodness for LiveJournal; I would've forgotten 99% of this year without these cliff notes to refer to.

2009, for what it's worth )
It was a tough year.
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It’s been a melancholy evening. Tonight I effectively moved out of our apartment. Starting tonight I’ll be sleeping at my house. I’ll still need to go back a time or two to clean up and turn in my keys, but I felt a sense of finality when I locked the apartment door behind me this time.
Liz wasn’t there when I left; she’d headed out a couple hours earlier. But maybe she noticed it too, because as she was leaving she said, “In case I don’t see you again . . .” She didn’t finish. I don’t know what I expected her to say. I wasn’t planning on saying a big goodbye tonight, anyways.
Ever since I got back from Dallas, living with her has been wearing on my patience. It’s been difficult just to maintain civility towards each other, and I’d been counting the days till she’d be out of my life once and for good. I’d been looking forward to getting away from her selfishness and insecurity and her devil cat. That’s why I’m partly surprised that I do feel sad now that it’s finally time for us to part. Maybe it’s regret that we didn’t work out, maybe it’s disappointment when I look at where I was a year ago and my prospects looked so much brighter, maybe it’s the non-Christmas alone that I have to look forward to. All of these, none of these, I don’t know.
I know in the morning I’ll probably feel fine; a night’s sleep is all I usually ever need to hit my emotional reset button. Tonight though, is pretty blue.
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In that short interval between our last couples' therapy session and our break-up, Liz asked me to explain what I had meant. I didn't manage to actually finish that letter before we broke up, but I still offered it to Liz. I thought it could still be of some use to her. She was no longer interested in it, as I had expected. It probably doesn't even matter any more but I thought it shouldn't be thrown away entirely. Here it is, still incomplete. I don't know, maybe it'll be useful to me, to help me remember what it was that precipitated the end of my first relationship.

Liz,
You asked me to elaborate on what I brought up in our last session, in writing. I know our past attempts at written communication tended to be counter-productive, but I do agree that I am more able to clearly explain my opinions when given some time to compose them. I hope that what I have written will be of use to you. I know that some of my conclusions may be unpleasant or even invasive, but please remember that I try to understand you because I care for you.
I believe that a lack of self confidence and inner strength are the core causes of your and our difficulties. I attribute part of this to your upbringing which I believe was very supportive, comfortable, and unchallenging. Being the first born, being the only girl, being home-schooled in a tight-knit, conservative community, going to a private college, moving in with your grandma, etc. I don't believe this path challenged you much and as a result you did not develop the ability and strength to deal with difficulties and you also did not gain the confidence that comes from enduring and overcoming them.
I believe this lack of self confidence is so deep that it handicaps almost all aspects of your life. These are the insecurities I was talking about. At first I thought that each insecurity was an isolated, unrelated aspect of your personality, but as I got to know you more and realized you had issues about so many topics, I began to suspect that there was a deeper, interconnected reason for these system-wide fears, which I assume to ultimately be an issue of self-confidence.
Low self confidence and the resulting fear paralyzes you when a challenge arises. On one hand, you may instinctively doubt your ability to overcome it, or should you try and fail, then you've only confirmed your doubt in yourself. The fear that stems from low self confidence runs rampant in you. Fear of moving out of your grandma's and into your own place. Fear of looking for a new career. Fear of what your parents will think when you move in with a man, etc.
Self esteem and self confidence go hand in hand. I think that's why you have a tendency to interpret situations and behaviors as saying something about you or being directed at you, regardless of whether that's the case or not. When people celebrate Amelie's birthday and not yours, you take it as an insult, even though they've known each other and lived together for years. When I have fun with my brother or friends in Dallas, you feel abandoned in response, yet when I come home you resent the intrusion and don't want to be disturbed. When people praise my costume, you feel underappreciated. When more people reply to my LJ than yours, you complain that you have fewer friends. When friends don't include you in their outings, you feel ignored but when they do invite you, you feel burdened and inconvenienced.
I think the state of your self esteem is most evident when it comes to your physical appearance. You believe you're unattractive and you're unhappy about it. Regardless of how many times and how many ways I honestly tell you that you're attractive, you say that my words are worthless because I love you. Yet, at other times you demand that I praise your appearance whether I believe it or not. This shows that no matter how frequently or strongly I say you're beautiful, you won't believe me because you don't believe it yourself, but you still ask me to correct something that is beyond my reach. I believe you put such low worth on your personal appearance because doing otherwise requires strength, confidence, and motivation that you don't have or won't summon.
It's difficult for me to determine what it is that you lack when there is a challenge or obstacle to overcome. The strength, the ability, the motivation, the desire, the courage, the will . . . it could be any or many of these. All I know is that often you seem unable or unwilling to act. You avoid or ignore the problem instead. When you started going out with me you avoided telling Allen for months until he forced you to face it. When you said you were going to see your ob/gyn about possibly libido/birth control stuff, you made excuses for months. You don't tell your parents we're living together and ask me to help deceive them. You place a prohibition on discussing any or our issues for the time that I'm home or delay discussion till we're in therapy and then have nothing to say when we're finally there. etc.
I believe you use anger to hide your fear and insecurity. Rather than risk the vulnerability of being honest and admitting the feelings of fear or weakness, you shield yourself with righteous indignation. Such as when I hypothesized that you had participated in sexual behavior with past BFs that you regretted. At the time you hotly denied that, saying that you'd never done anything that you didn't want to, only months later admitting that in fact you'd participated in those relationships and activities as a result of low self-esteem and regretted them. OR last summer when I suggested that you may be tiring of the cosplay hobby, you took insult and cited extenuating circumstances as for why you were inactive. Only recently have you concurred with my guess. Your reflex to deny in anger, or remain silent, is a terrible handicap for me towards understanding you. It has gotten to the point where I am prone to dis-delieve your heated words and to guess your feelings and thoughts when you're silent. It seems you would rather deny than be truthful and it takes me weeks or months of persistence or guessing to prise the truth out of you. How can a

Odd week

Sep. 21st, 2009 10:19 pm
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cut to spare your friends page )

Heavy Rain

Sep. 12th, 2009 06:18 pm
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It's done )

Weekend

Aug. 19th, 2009 06:46 pm
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cut )
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I go on break tonight. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday back home in Austin. Tomorrow I'll be going to see Liz's mom to talk and hopefully get some new perspective or ideas about us. I don't see much point in talking to her dad; I expect his opinions would agree with mine but I need new ideas, not more of the same stuff I've already come up with. Been there, done that.
Liz will be getting back in to Austin midnight Friday. I hope she's not too tired from her vacation. I'd really like to have a talk with her Saturday. I know I said I'd wait till we went to the therapist, but at the same time I don't want her to be completely caught by surprise when we go. So I want to at least bring up the topic so that she'll have a couple weeks to mull over what I've been thinking and then hopefully we can make some progress when we actually go to the therapist's.
That couple's book has been insightful. Sadly, I think I've learned more from that one little book than all of our therapy sessions. I have to remind myself not to put too much hope into what I've learned. Yes, the tips about communication show me that sometimes I accidentally express myself in ways that handicap our discussions. But, improving our communication is just the start. If we can't find a mutually agreeable way to move forward, then it's moot.
So yeah, Friday I talk with her mom, Saturday I talk with Liz, and Sunday I'll probably spend on damage control from the aftermath of our Saturday talk. Not really the kind of weekend I would like to have, but it's difficult to relax or think about much else while I have this occupying my thoughts. My mom, brother, and sister had been planning to come to Austin to jointly celebrate mine/my sister's birthday this month, but I called them up and told them I needed to set this weekend aside for Liz and I. That also means no going to see District 9 or Ponyo. Well, that stuff can wait.

Quick bit

Jun. 8th, 2009 05:42 pm
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So this weekend, Liz spent reading all three books and movie-watching of Twilight. Good: It gave me plenty of free-time to work on cosplay. Bad: Every conversation since last Friday has revolved around sparkle-pires. I count that as a wash. So I made good progress on Wybie, getting that good, content feeling from just working for hours straight. Aaaand yesterday I spent a few hours with Jenny and Beauty working on our joint cosplay. I got fitted for a beard and then was appointed ironing bitch for the remainder of the evening. That costume workshop at the University is fucking awesome. Yeah, it's all about the soft stuff there, but still I was in awe of how much creative potential that room possessed. I wants it!
Today I finally sent off the gunblade commission and have breathed a sigh of relief. Once I finish a commission, I want to get rid of it; it's not comfortable having around. Like having someone else's baby at your place, the whole time you're wondering, "When are they going to come pick this thing up? It was fun at first, but now it's time to go. Where are it's parents?" Also today, I finally managed to schedule an appointment with the couple's counsellor. That was a bit of an ordeal itself, considering I've been trying to get this done since this time last week. I'm nervous about the whole thing, but more than that I'm eager for things to improve.
So yeah, that's what's up.
Bye.

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