Earlier this week I had my annual employee review with Boss #1. I’d hoped to evade him long enough that he would forget about our appointment, but no luck.
It was a . . . sobering discussion. Having the same guy who hired me now telling me that maybe I should look for a new job, is rather disheartening. He asked me the generic question, “Are you happy here?” I’d been unhappy since/during Canada, but I’d been telling myself that was an acute reaction to the immediate circumstances. Now that I think about it, I’ve been chronically unhappy with this job for awhile. Six years after I started and I’m still in the same entry-level position, not talented enough to advanced or outright lousy enough to be fired. My patience and willingness to tolerate adversity has allowed me to hang in there this long. I’m no quitter, but I have to admit that I’m a failure at this job. I’m not growing or advancing or benefiting from staying here. Something needs to change. I’ve lived here six years and I’m very grateful for the financial security and overall stability I’ve gained from this career; I dread risking it for the mere possibility of a better career. That’s probably half the reason why I’ve held out as long as I have. Fear of losing what I’ve got.
It’s only a seed of motivation now, but I know that ultimately I need to leave this company. I really don’t know where I’d go from here, if I’m no good at this profession. Yeah, I’m a little scared. I thought I had this shit figured out.
He said I should consider “re-inventing myself,” whatever that means. All I know right now is that I need to take a long, hard look at what I can and will be able to do for the rest of my life. Six years is a long mistake.
Last night I spent the night at my new place. I hadn’t planned on it, but due to a scheduling snafu, the power was turned off at my old place this afternoon. Yesterday was unseasonably warm so I sure as hell wasn’t going to try sleeping in a house with no A/C. Yeah, packing up my bed and toiletries and etc in complete darkness was real fun. I don’t even wanna think about what the inside of my fridge looks like. In time I managed to get the essentials moved over to the new house. I tried taking a cold-water bath (gas isn’t scheduled to be hooked up till Thursday!), but I had to draw the line somewhere. One inch of cold bathwater in the tub is that line, apparently. Frankly, all I’ve got at the new house is electricity, which is the most important, I suppose. I’m surprised at how handicapped I become without internet at my disposal. I don’t know when or where I’m posting this to the internet; probably from some ‘free wi-fi’ restaurant in the neighborhood. I’m just writing this post in good faith, like a message in a bottle, hoping that it will reach the internet someday. The funny thing was, after all the sweating and grunting to move my bed across town and up the stairs, I discover that the A/C at the new house isn’t working either. So I ended up sleeping warm and sticky after all.
Today I worked a half day. I needed to burn some vacation time anyways and with family coming in to town and a house to move into, I could definitely put the free time to good use. I was driving my bed and TV to the new house when this happened.Now with eXtreme battle damage!
Apparently I wasn’t stressed enough with moving into a new place, having family visit for the holidays, and looking for a new job, so subconsciously I decided to rear-end a big-ass truck while merging onto I-35. I fought the semi and the semi won. Totally my fault, so I can’t even be angry at someone else’s fuck-up. This is all me. My poor baby. Just one month shy of getting it completely paid off. Yeah, he’s still driveable (he’s a 4-cylinder bad-ass like that) and yeah, I can just
afford the $1000 deductible, but all I keep thinking is, “Fuck, my truck!” The crumpled hood blocks half my view of the road. It’s so damned embarrassing, like a boner at the pool. I can’t hide it. Everybody knows I suck at driving.
In my head, I can handle all this crap. Physically, my stomach has had that nauseous feeling for a week now, but that’s minor. But between you and me, one more straw and this camel is going down.