The Present

[astillar]

The punchline

That had been my plan all along, just so I could see the expression on Liz’s and her mom’s face when I pulled out that pink bag. "I picked this out just for you." And let me tell you, getting that pink bag was an adventure in itself.

It was like there was a forcefield around Victoria’s Secret, keeping me at bay. I kept thinking, "How can I go in there and not look like a total pervert? I’m by myself, I’m gonna be suspicious." It probably didn’t help any that I spent a good five minutes standing outside of the store, staring intently at it, working up the huevos to go inside. As soon as I did get inside, I was overheating and on pins and needles. I KNEW I did not belong there and I’m sure everyone knew too. Is that what heaven feels like to a demon? I guess so. It was worse than going to Jo-Ann’s, public speaking, a funeral combined.
I’d come there just for the bag so I navigated my way to the counter and asked if they had any gift bags or whatever. The clerk said they’re free with purchase. Dammit, now I’ve got to buy something! So I started looking for something, anything I could conceivably buy in that place. But it was all bras and panties and women as far as the eye could see. My brain was no help either. My eyes saw "women in a lingerie store," but my brain abbreviated that to, "women in a lingerie store." I kept yelling at myself, "Don’t picture these women wearing what they’re looking at! Stop taking their clothes off! Don’t do it! Don’t make eye contact, THEY’LL SEE THE SIN IN YOUR EYES!!!" There was just too much eye candy there, except for this one old flabby grandma. I don’t know what the hell she was doing there, or how she was able to step foot inside the store’s threshold without bursting into flame. I don’t care if she was shopping for her young college-aged grand-daughter, both her and I had no business being there.
It was very very very hard to find and focus on merchandise that didn’t make me look like a total deviant. I thought I found a safe zone in the lotion department, till I realized I probably looked like the guy from Silence of the Lambs, rubbing lotion on my hands. (It puts the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again!) I didn’t know a moment’s peace until I stumbled across a display of men’s cologne. Oh thank goodness. I clung to that little table like a shipwrecked sailor to a rock. "I can buy this without being judged," I thought as I took the smallest bottle of cologne to the counter. Fifty-something dollars for cologne?!?! Dammit! And when I saw the clerk bring out the little baby bag, I thought, "I should've bought something bigger." But it was too late! I bought the cologne anyways and got the hell out of there, feeling a weird cocktail of pride, shame, victory, confusion, and gigglyness as I headed back to my truck.
Although I didn’t mention my plans to Liz so that the joke wouldn’t be ruined, as soon as I got home she quickly guessed what I was up to and vetoed the idea. She thought that even the bag would be too scandalous for her mother and then Liz would have to kill me with her bare hands for embarrassing her in front of her parents. I was kinda bummed by this turn of events, after what I’d gone through to get it, but not surprised. I’d suspected this idea might've gone too far.
Better safe than sorry I guess. But I'll always wonder, What If . . . ?