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astillarThe day before I headed out of town, Liz and I had our second couple's meeting with the therapist. It struck me odd, how the therapist initiated the session. She asked, "So what issues do you want to work on, what direction do you want to take?" I thought that was odd because at this point, we've had 3 meetings with her; I was expecting she would tell us what we needed to work on. She's the doctor, I was looking to her for guidance on all this. Liz and I were only able to suggest the same issues we'd mentioned the first time we saw her, communication and conflict resolution.
To me, the discussion seemed to be a repeat of the last couples' session we'd had. Of course this time around the doctor had a better idea of each of us as a person but I don't see how that helped to propel the discussion to any realizations that we haven't already achieved. It just seemed like we were saying the same things over again. Like a re-cap of a re-cap episode.
But when the doctor asked if there was anything I wanted to speak to Liz about, I did call her out on her behavior for the past month that I've been home. As I've mentioned before, it's become cold in this house. Zero physical affection; I now have to ask if it's okay to hug or touch her, which I think is fucked up. We don't do anything together anymore, mostly we stay in different parts of the apartment in the evenings. It's more like we're roommates than any sort of couple. If you've read her journal, you'll see that all she talks about are the books or writing she's buried herself in. Essentially, she's withdrawn from any interaction with me and her behavior tells me that she doesn't want me around, pretty much.
When I asked Liz if this is was the effect she intended, she said yes. She said that she no longer felt comfortable around me, that she felt my gestures of affection were unwelcome, that she was intentionally creating distance between us because she was still hurt and angry over my post from a few months ago. I was shocked. Shocked that she was STILL holding onto that anger after so long. I was like, either let it go and get over it, or let's discuss it and resolve this issue. The fact that she continues to refuse to discuss anything, yet she refuses to give up this grudge, what the hell? How can the situation improve so long as she remains so obstinate? Liz continued by saying that her personal therapist had recommended that she start doing things to make her happy, and that's partly why she'd been withdrawing to do her own thing. I was ambivalent about that. I've told Liz in the past that she needs to do what she needs to do to make herself happy, rather than holding me accountable for her happiness, but I think she's taken it to a selfish extreme. I think that's lame softball advice anyways. Who's going to disagree with "Do stuff that makes you happy"? What kind of therapist chats with their client about Twilight during sessions? So far I'm not impressed with Liz's private therapist. Telling her to do stuff that makes herself happy is all fine and good, but it does nothing to contribute to the welfare of "us".
It pissed me off when Liz admitted that she was willfully resisting any sort of reconciliation. And it's gotten me very pessimistic about our relationship. Considering that our problems became more pronounced during the 3-4 months I was in Dallas, I really thought that when I came back home, we'd both be serious about repairing our relationship. And now I find that she's chosen to refuse to participate? She's just gonna focus on making herself feel happy and better? What about us? I thought that this month that I was at home would be our best chance to improve our relationship. Now I've been re-sent back to Dallas for the remainder of the year (probably). I don't see how things can really improve long-distance when we couldn't manage to make any progress while we were back together. That's what really pisses me off, that she would sacrifice this best chance because she's so damned stubborn.
I feel like a countdown has started. I know I'm not willing to be in a relationship if these are the rules we're going to play by. Months of iciness that I have no chance of thawing? No, I'm not going to do that.
I'm going to keep trying and keep up with the counselling, for now. I'm not very optimistic though.
To me, the discussion seemed to be a repeat of the last couples' session we'd had. Of course this time around the doctor had a better idea of each of us as a person but I don't see how that helped to propel the discussion to any realizations that we haven't already achieved. It just seemed like we were saying the same things over again. Like a re-cap of a re-cap episode.
But when the doctor asked if there was anything I wanted to speak to Liz about, I did call her out on her behavior for the past month that I've been home. As I've mentioned before, it's become cold in this house. Zero physical affection; I now have to ask if it's okay to hug or touch her, which I think is fucked up. We don't do anything together anymore, mostly we stay in different parts of the apartment in the evenings. It's more like we're roommates than any sort of couple. If you've read her journal, you'll see that all she talks about are the books or writing she's buried herself in. Essentially, she's withdrawn from any interaction with me and her behavior tells me that she doesn't want me around, pretty much.
When I asked Liz if this is was the effect she intended, she said yes. She said that she no longer felt comfortable around me, that she felt my gestures of affection were unwelcome, that she was intentionally creating distance between us because she was still hurt and angry over my post from a few months ago. I was shocked. Shocked that she was STILL holding onto that anger after so long. I was like, either let it go and get over it, or let's discuss it and resolve this issue. The fact that she continues to refuse to discuss anything, yet she refuses to give up this grudge, what the hell? How can the situation improve so long as she remains so obstinate? Liz continued by saying that her personal therapist had recommended that she start doing things to make her happy, and that's partly why she'd been withdrawing to do her own thing. I was ambivalent about that. I've told Liz in the past that she needs to do what she needs to do to make herself happy, rather than holding me accountable for her happiness, but I think she's taken it to a selfish extreme. I think that's lame softball advice anyways. Who's going to disagree with "Do stuff that makes you happy"? What kind of therapist chats with their client about Twilight during sessions? So far I'm not impressed with Liz's private therapist. Telling her to do stuff that makes herself happy is all fine and good, but it does nothing to contribute to the welfare of "us".
It pissed me off when Liz admitted that she was willfully resisting any sort of reconciliation. And it's gotten me very pessimistic about our relationship. Considering that our problems became more pronounced during the 3-4 months I was in Dallas, I really thought that when I came back home, we'd both be serious about repairing our relationship. And now I find that she's chosen to refuse to participate? She's just gonna focus on making herself feel happy and better? What about us? I thought that this month that I was at home would be our best chance to improve our relationship. Now I've been re-sent back to Dallas for the remainder of the year (probably). I don't see how things can really improve long-distance when we couldn't manage to make any progress while we were back together. That's what really pisses me off, that she would sacrifice this best chance because she's so damned stubborn.
I feel like a countdown has started. I know I'm not willing to be in a relationship if these are the rules we're going to play by. Months of iciness that I have no chance of thawing? No, I'm not going to do that.
I'm going to keep trying and keep up with the counselling, for now. I'm not very optimistic though.
