Quitter

Well, I guess I've quit kendo. Heh, it doesn't seem like I was there long, does it? I've been trying to put my finger on why I don't want to go. On Thursdays it's like, "Oh, I'm too tired after work to go, and it's only an hour-long class, it's no biggie." Sundays is when the sensei leads the class for three hours. When I'm in class, I'm THERE, I'm all into it. But during the hours and days before class, I'm always looking for a way out, some reason not to go. And though I've been skipping the Thursday classes, I finally skipped the Sunday class this past session. I guess what makes it difficult for me is that I'm trying to make up so much lost ground at once. Not only have I been out of it for a couple years, but I was also under another teacher whose style was very different. So not only am I rusty, but I'm making orrors left and right. Like last week, we were going through katas 6-9 and I'm getting them all scrambled because we're going through them so fast and everyone refers to them by the japanese terminology, so it's all gibberish to me. Just when I've got a fingerhold on the set, I notice the sensei watching me, and it all goes to crap. Agh. I'm not competent enough to be in the advanced class, but the beginner's class is still months behind where I am. I can't sync up with either tier. I don't know, I was considering retreating to the beginner's class because that'd be easier and allow me to get my feet under me, learn how this dojo does things. But it'd also make me look like an idiot. Like a high school kid playing with kindergarteners. Or maybe I'll just go to the Thursday night sessions, to stay under the radar. And being only an hour long, it'd be more like kendo-lite. Maybe that option will allow me to save some face and stick it out for a little while longer. Because I don't really wanna quit. If I quit kendo then I really have nothing else besides work and that would be a sad dead-end. I have a bad tendency of non-action, of either quitting or allowing something to fail, rather than face embarrassment or admission of fault. It's a cowardly little trait that I want to be rid of. I really need to try and stick with kendo. At least see this one thing though.
Thanks diary, for helping me sort this stuff out.