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This is my biggest mistake to date. A driller once told me that the last time this happened, it cost $750000 to repair. It’s happened again, and I’m most directly responsible. I . . . don’t know what to expect. At this moment, my bosses are out of the office, so I’m in some weird limbo. I could-should be fired for a mistake of this magnitude, especially considering that it follows upon the heels of another large mistake of mine that surfaced only last week.
When I did this thing, I thought I was being clever, more efficient in my work. I would save the company some money. But all it took was a quirk of timing to blow everything up. This time is worse than any other of my screw-ups; this time I have no defense/excuse at all, no contract to hide behind, no one to cast the blame onto.
This screw-up is so big, I can’t even conceive—I just can’t wrap my head around it. Or maybe I just don’t want to perceive it; I think I might get sick to my stomach if I thought about it too closely. Although my bosses have been rather understanding when I messed up in the past, I doubt their mercy extends this far. I’m not even afraid of being fired; it seems to be a strong certainty. All I feel right now is a cold sadness. For myself, that my fledgling career should end this way and for my company that I’ve failed.
Perhaps I’m not competent enough to ever be an engineer. Perhaps I only know enough to get myself into trouble. I’ve never had much confidence in my professional abilities, now whatever scarce confidence I had, it’s gone. Shattered and gone.
I don’t know what to think or do. Last week, when the other mistake surfaced, I muddled through it and told myself to chalk it up to experience, to use that failure as impetus to do better. But this instance, it’s a mortal wound. I can’t walk away from it. There’s-aw god damn, I fucked up. Shit. I know I don’t know anything, I try as hard as I can to make up for my inadequacies, but still screw up. Half the time I’m paralyzed for fear of screwing up, and the other half of the time I work so slowly to try and dot every I and cross every T, but still I find ways to fuck up royally. I’m totally worthless. Looking back over my short time here, all I can see are these looming errors, interspersed with tiny, inconsequential victories. Being correct 70% of the time isn’t good enough here. I have to be right 99% of the time. The costs of failure don’t allow us the luxury of learning by trial and error. I don’t have the experience to foresee these dangers and potential problems, nor do I have the intelligence to learn on the fly. I’m thickheaded, so I have to make the same mistake four or five times before I catch on.
Man, I feel so rotten and worthless. I was in an ebullient mood this morning, but that might as well have been years ago. I feel like crying right now, but I have to work.
It could’ve been so much worse. I don’t know if I can even show my face to the drillers again. They hit a fiber optic line, but it could easily have been a gas line. Do you know what would have happened then? That would have been a tragedy. I have to apologize to them.
I can’t forgive myself for this. Or for my past mistakes either. But what hurts me is that I don’t know how to make it better. Try as I might, I continue to fail. My flaws get the better (worse?) of me.
When I did this thing, I thought I was being clever, more efficient in my work. I would save the company some money. But all it took was a quirk of timing to blow everything up. This time is worse than any other of my screw-ups; this time I have no defense/excuse at all, no contract to hide behind, no one to cast the blame onto.
This screw-up is so big, I can’t even conceive—I just can’t wrap my head around it. Or maybe I just don’t want to perceive it; I think I might get sick to my stomach if I thought about it too closely. Although my bosses have been rather understanding when I messed up in the past, I doubt their mercy extends this far. I’m not even afraid of being fired; it seems to be a strong certainty. All I feel right now is a cold sadness. For myself, that my fledgling career should end this way and for my company that I’ve failed.
Perhaps I’m not competent enough to ever be an engineer. Perhaps I only know enough to get myself into trouble. I’ve never had much confidence in my professional abilities, now whatever scarce confidence I had, it’s gone. Shattered and gone.
I don’t know what to think or do. Last week, when the other mistake surfaced, I muddled through it and told myself to chalk it up to experience, to use that failure as impetus to do better. But this instance, it’s a mortal wound. I can’t walk away from it. There’s-aw god damn, I fucked up. Shit. I know I don’t know anything, I try as hard as I can to make up for my inadequacies, but still screw up. Half the time I’m paralyzed for fear of screwing up, and the other half of the time I work so slowly to try and dot every I and cross every T, but still I find ways to fuck up royally. I’m totally worthless. Looking back over my short time here, all I can see are these looming errors, interspersed with tiny, inconsequential victories. Being correct 70% of the time isn’t good enough here. I have to be right 99% of the time. The costs of failure don’t allow us the luxury of learning by trial and error. I don’t have the experience to foresee these dangers and potential problems, nor do I have the intelligence to learn on the fly. I’m thickheaded, so I have to make the same mistake four or five times before I catch on.
Man, I feel so rotten and worthless. I was in an ebullient mood this morning, but that might as well have been years ago. I feel like crying right now, but I have to work.
It could’ve been so much worse. I don’t know if I can even show my face to the drillers again. They hit a fiber optic line, but it could easily have been a gas line. Do you know what would have happened then? That would have been a tragedy. I have to apologize to them.
I can’t forgive myself for this. Or for my past mistakes either. But what hurts me is that I don’t know how to make it better. Try as I might, I continue to fail. My flaws get the better (worse?) of me.
