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Performance Review #2
Jul. 25th, 2006 07:13 pmI thought I had avoided it. Typically they're conducted in June, July at the latest. I've been out of the office a lot and hadn't heard anything about it. And, my last paycheck was about 2% higher than normal, which I took to mean that the round of evaluations had finished, the pay raises had been implemented, and that was it for this year. But this morning my boss calls me into his office for my performance review. . . . .
It was bad. Really bad. All the doubts and fears I've been having, were realized. My boss was terribly frank about my situation. He went so far to say that last week, when my last mistake came to light, if I had been in the office rather than out on a job, he would've fired me right then and there. The only thing that prevented it was that he had time to cool down and reconsider. Other things he said hit me hard. It's one thing to think them, but to hear them from your superior, it was grave. Phrases like, "no one wants to work with you," "You are more of a burden than an asset to this company," or "you may have a career in engineering but perhaps it isn't here." He wasn't angry or cruel in what he said, it was all true; he was very cool and diplomatic during the review.
Many of my problems arise from my "inability/unwillingness to communicate." I know that. That was my worst trait at last year's review. And it's not just at work, it's everywhere. God damn, I know that. But this isn't the tale of Rumpelstiltskin. Knowing the name of my problem/affliction isn't going to make it vanish. I don't know what to do though. Even on jobs where I think I've got every base covered, that I've performed flawlessly, all it takes is one typo or one misplaced document and everything goes to shit.
So, the job I started today is my last chance. He didn't say as much, but, their patience has run out. And they aren't pitching any softballs in my direction. This job . . . is way beyond my experience/level of knowledge. The manual alone is the size of a phonebook, not to mention the rest of the documentation. I'll have to hang on with tooth and nail to stay on top of it. I have to try. No. Not "try". I HAVE TO.
It was bad. Really bad. All the doubts and fears I've been having, were realized. My boss was terribly frank about my situation. He went so far to say that last week, when my last mistake came to light, if I had been in the office rather than out on a job, he would've fired me right then and there. The only thing that prevented it was that he had time to cool down and reconsider. Other things he said hit me hard. It's one thing to think them, but to hear them from your superior, it was grave. Phrases like, "no one wants to work with you," "You are more of a burden than an asset to this company," or "you may have a career in engineering but perhaps it isn't here." He wasn't angry or cruel in what he said, it was all true; he was very cool and diplomatic during the review.
Many of my problems arise from my "inability/unwillingness to communicate." I know that. That was my worst trait at last year's review. And it's not just at work, it's everywhere. God damn, I know that. But this isn't the tale of Rumpelstiltskin. Knowing the name of my problem/affliction isn't going to make it vanish. I don't know what to do though. Even on jobs where I think I've got every base covered, that I've performed flawlessly, all it takes is one typo or one misplaced document and everything goes to shit.
So, the job I started today is my last chance. He didn't say as much, but, their patience has run out. And they aren't pitching any softballs in my direction. This job . . . is way beyond my experience/level of knowledge. The manual alone is the size of a phonebook, not to mention the rest of the documentation. I'll have to hang on with tooth and nail to stay on top of it. I have to try. No. Not "try". I HAVE TO.
