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This post brought to you by ennui
I work eighty-something hours a week here. But it’s not work. Just long days of waiting for something to change. The land is empty and desolate. The sky is nondescript wintry gray; dry drifts of snow lie on the brown stubble of harvested fields. Every day is the same. The greatest novelty of recent days was watching a small spider walk across a white drift. I didn’t think that was possible. Today I learned I'd be stuck here until Thanksgiving. Another two weeks of idleness. I'm well on my way to attaining a hermit's level of patience.
I’m reading a new book now, one I picked up on a whim, to interrupt the saga I was reading before. I thought I needed to cleanse my palate. The metaphors twinkle in my thoughts, almost too surreal to comprehend, but simultaneously feeling as if they’re my own creation. As with any potent expression of art, even the most dull viewer will feel some stirring of creativity or spark of innovation. Of course, it’s just a murky shadow of the real thing. I know better than to mistake it for anything else. The main character is a timid, rudderless man, uncomfortably similar to me; I identify with and detest him. Accomplishing nothing of merit, taking no concrete steps towards any goal or destination.
Anyways,
The deadline for submitting an application to graduate school for the spring semester is well past. Summer or (more likely) fall semester is when I’ll be starting. That’s farther away than I had expected but with my snail’s pace, it’ll take me that long to lay all my plans into place. I’m looking at schools now. So much hinges on where I decide to attend. I’ll be taking my GRE soon. Not all places require it, but from the sample questions I took, it’s an easy enough test so I might as well have it in my pocket in case I need it. Some places require relevant letters of recommendation which I won’t be able to provide, so that’s a deal-breaker. I guess I’ve got a few months to go through my decision-making process all over again, top to bottom. With my career counseling complete, I’ve got the tools to assess my options. The options that the counselor outlined for me each come with their own complications, dampening what mild enthusiasm I have for them. As cautious and unconfident as I am, I’ll need to build up a higher level of certainty before I move forward.
I look forward to going back to school and I was pleased to learn that the program would only take 1-2 years, as opposed to a 4+ year commitment for a Master’s or PhD, which I was dreading. Even though I’m older and slower I think I could plow through 20-30 hours of coursework easily.
I guess the biggest contributor to my unenthusiasm is my reluctance to part with my current lifestyle. It’s not like I make much money or have that much free time now, but I’ve come to enjoy what I can do, where I can go, the friends I have, the city I live in, and having the means to pursue my interests. I’m loathe to give all that up. I know I can’t stay in this current job, that I have to get out sooner than later. I have to start weaning myself off the tit. If they fired me, that’d light a fire under my ass, for sure.
…
I’m reading a new book now, one I picked up on a whim, to interrupt the saga I was reading before. I thought I needed to cleanse my palate. The metaphors twinkle in my thoughts, almost too surreal to comprehend, but simultaneously feeling as if they’re my own creation. As with any potent expression of art, even the most dull viewer will feel some stirring of creativity or spark of innovation. Of course, it’s just a murky shadow of the real thing. I know better than to mistake it for anything else. The main character is a timid, rudderless man, uncomfortably similar to me; I identify with and detest him. Accomplishing nothing of merit, taking no concrete steps towards any goal or destination.
Anyways,
The deadline for submitting an application to graduate school for the spring semester is well past. Summer or (more likely) fall semester is when I’ll be starting. That’s farther away than I had expected but with my snail’s pace, it’ll take me that long to lay all my plans into place. I’m looking at schools now. So much hinges on where I decide to attend. I’ll be taking my GRE soon. Not all places require it, but from the sample questions I took, it’s an easy enough test so I might as well have it in my pocket in case I need it. Some places require relevant letters of recommendation which I won’t be able to provide, so that’s a deal-breaker. I guess I’ve got a few months to go through my decision-making process all over again, top to bottom. With my career counseling complete, I’ve got the tools to assess my options. The options that the counselor outlined for me each come with their own complications, dampening what mild enthusiasm I have for them. As cautious and unconfident as I am, I’ll need to build up a higher level of certainty before I move forward.
I look forward to going back to school and I was pleased to learn that the program would only take 1-2 years, as opposed to a 4+ year commitment for a Master’s or PhD, which I was dreading. Even though I’m older and slower I think I could plow through 20-30 hours of coursework easily.
I guess the biggest contributor to my unenthusiasm is my reluctance to part with my current lifestyle. It’s not like I make much money or have that much free time now, but I’ve come to enjoy what I can do, where I can go, the friends I have, the city I live in, and having the means to pursue my interests. I’m loathe to give all that up. I know I can’t stay in this current job, that I have to get out sooner than later. I have to start weaning myself off the tit. If they fired me, that’d light a fire under my ass, for sure.
…