Session 1.5
Jun. 18th, 2009 05:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
astillarSo yesterday was my one-on-one meeting with our counselor. I didn’t know what to expect and was kinda nervous, as I would be the sole focus of the session. The session started off similar to the last, with the doctor asking me what I thought our problems were, etc. Then after a few minutes, the doctor changed the subject to my childhood and upbringing. That struck me as odd. I thought we were going to be talking about problems affecting Liz and I now, but the focus had shifted to old history which I didn’t consider relevant to the matter at hand. But whatever, she’s the professional.
So I started at the beginning and gave her the Cliffnotes version of where I’d come from. She seemed most interested in my parent’s marriage and the environment that that provided for us kids. As I told her about the alcohol, drug, and criminal problems and the abuse and infidelity that plagued our family, I realized that this all made for an interesting re-telling, but I still didn’t see what this ancient history had to do with current events. I was also surprised at how easily I spoke about it. I didn’t feel any regret or anger or other negativity about what I was talking about, I might as well have been giving a book report or the like.
As I finished painting this picture of my past, the doctor began extrapolating about how my past affects how I approach relationships now and I finally saw the relevance of the flashback. The first dot she connected was how the absence of a reliable father required all of us kids (me especially as the eldest) to learn to be very self-reliant and effective at handling problems on our own. Yeah, no surprise there. She took it a bit further by suggesting that since everyone in our family had to look out for themselves and find their own way to cope, that created a distance between all family members. That, she said, may have been a strong factor in my current difficulty to empathize and understand other people, Liz especially. In a family that doesn’t talk or share what it’s going through, I guess that outcome seems obvious although this realization didn’t occur to me until she described it.
Even though I agreed with her reasoning and considered this to be an important conclusion, I didn’t see what good it did to know it. I mean, it’s not like I can update my firmware with an empathy patch or something. I’m a cold, callous guy, so what can I do about it? Attend a weekend workshop on sensitivity? Try to imagine what an empathetic, sensitive person would do and fake it till that behavior eventually sticks? I dunno. I don’t want to come off as sounding stubborn, but I can’t envision a tactic that could possibly permanently and significantly improve my behavior in that department. It seems like a moot point.
The session concluded right about there. I think now that the doctor has a rough idea of where I’m coming from, that will improve her assessment of us. As I told the doctor, I know Liz and I come from vastly different life experiences. We have almost antipodal views on family, faith, careers, and sex. Some differences I don’t think need to be bridged; they can be disagreed upon but still respected. On others, I believe we have to find a common ground. I don’t seek to use this doctor as a mediator to help us decide what this common ground is, the sole tool/education I want her to give us is the ABILITY to find that common ground on our own. That is the primary goal as far as I’m concerned.
So I started at the beginning and gave her the Cliffnotes version of where I’d come from. She seemed most interested in my parent’s marriage and the environment that that provided for us kids. As I told her about the alcohol, drug, and criminal problems and the abuse and infidelity that plagued our family, I realized that this all made for an interesting re-telling, but I still didn’t see what this ancient history had to do with current events. I was also surprised at how easily I spoke about it. I didn’t feel any regret or anger or other negativity about what I was talking about, I might as well have been giving a book report or the like.
As I finished painting this picture of my past, the doctor began extrapolating about how my past affects how I approach relationships now and I finally saw the relevance of the flashback. The first dot she connected was how the absence of a reliable father required all of us kids (me especially as the eldest) to learn to be very self-reliant and effective at handling problems on our own. Yeah, no surprise there. She took it a bit further by suggesting that since everyone in our family had to look out for themselves and find their own way to cope, that created a distance between all family members. That, she said, may have been a strong factor in my current difficulty to empathize and understand other people, Liz especially. In a family that doesn’t talk or share what it’s going through, I guess that outcome seems obvious although this realization didn’t occur to me until she described it.
Even though I agreed with her reasoning and considered this to be an important conclusion, I didn’t see what good it did to know it. I mean, it’s not like I can update my firmware with an empathy patch or something. I’m a cold, callous guy, so what can I do about it? Attend a weekend workshop on sensitivity? Try to imagine what an empathetic, sensitive person would do and fake it till that behavior eventually sticks? I dunno. I don’t want to come off as sounding stubborn, but I can’t envision a tactic that could possibly permanently and significantly improve my behavior in that department. It seems like a moot point.
The session concluded right about there. I think now that the doctor has a rough idea of where I’m coming from, that will improve her assessment of us. As I told the doctor, I know Liz and I come from vastly different life experiences. We have almost antipodal views on family, faith, careers, and sex. Some differences I don’t think need to be bridged; they can be disagreed upon but still respected. On others, I believe we have to find a common ground. I don’t seek to use this doctor as a mediator to help us decide what this common ground is, the sole tool/education I want her to give us is the ABILITY to find that common ground on our own. That is the primary goal as far as I’m concerned.
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no subject
Date: 2009-06-18 10:29 pm (UTC)I'm not a professional. That's just my experience.
no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 01:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 08:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 08:41 am (UTC)Hopefully the other sessions work out though. I may be pretty cynical about individual therapy, but when it comes to multiple people, it's always good to have an outside source helping things along.