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astillarFirst off, thanks to everyone who commented. While I may not agree with all the comments/advice, it added to my motivation to talk with Liz before I left town again.
Sunday morning I asked if we could talk. I got right to the point, telling her how I thought her recent behavior had been selfish and detrimental (to us) at a critical time in our relationship. She defended and tried to justify her behavior by saying that she was just following the example I had set while I’d been working in Dallas before (i.e., just "taking care of myself" while ignoring the other person). In her eyes, my failure to adequately support, empathize, and understand her (while 200 miles away) must have been because I was too busy focusing on myself and having fun with my brother and friends the whole time. That was her justification for now going off and doing her own thing without making any effort to involve or interact with me.
I didn’t buy that ridiculous reasoning. I know she’s too smart to actually believe in that reasoning, but it was the best defense she could concoct for her recent behavior. I didn’t focus on it too long; there was no way I’d get her to admit it was BS. So then I next focused on finding out what she really meant by her behavior. This part was hard to get out, it was a question I’d been asking myself, but wasn’t sure either of us were ready to give or hear an honest answer.
If she no longer felt comfortable around me, if she no longer wants anything to do with me, if I can’t get her to smile or laugh any more, then why is she still here? . . . Does she want to be in this relationship?
Liz was quiet for awhile. I was glad that she was taking her time to really consider the question, but then I began to wonder if she was just searching for the right words to say the unwanted answer. She said she still wanted to be here, that she wasn’t ready to give up on us yet. It wasn’t the most re-assuring or positive answer I could’ve imagined, but it would do.
We spoke a bit more about a potentially gloomy forecast for us. The way she spoke about it gave me the impression that she had already spent a fair bit of time contemplating a negative outcome for us. I hadn’t really dared to think beyond the question I’d just asked her, but her casual manner seemed to tell me that she had had time to think about it.
I don’t know how I expected to feel or respond to her admission that maybe we might not last. I felt a moment of relief, to realize that I wasn’t alone in considering the possibility, nor was I an asshole boyfriend who was thinking of jumping ship prematurely. But at the same time I felt a dimming of hope, hearing her say the same things that I hadn’t been able to say out loud till now.
Her personal therapist had asked her if our couples’ counseling was going to be open-ended and on-going for as long as we were together, or if it had some goal or endpoint to it. Liz told her it was the latter. And it is. If we’re to continue as a couple, then we have to find a way to de-fuse these stalemates that have boxed us in. Otherwise, that’s it.
Sunday morning I asked if we could talk. I got right to the point, telling her how I thought her recent behavior had been selfish and detrimental (to us) at a critical time in our relationship. She defended and tried to justify her behavior by saying that she was just following the example I had set while I’d been working in Dallas before (i.e., just "taking care of myself" while ignoring the other person). In her eyes, my failure to adequately support, empathize, and understand her (while 200 miles away) must have been because I was too busy focusing on myself and having fun with my brother and friends the whole time. That was her justification for now going off and doing her own thing without making any effort to involve or interact with me.
I didn’t buy that ridiculous reasoning. I know she’s too smart to actually believe in that reasoning, but it was the best defense she could concoct for her recent behavior. I didn’t focus on it too long; there was no way I’d get her to admit it was BS. So then I next focused on finding out what she really meant by her behavior. This part was hard to get out, it was a question I’d been asking myself, but wasn’t sure either of us were ready to give or hear an honest answer.
If she no longer felt comfortable around me, if she no longer wants anything to do with me, if I can’t get her to smile or laugh any more, then why is she still here? . . . Does she want to be in this relationship?
Liz was quiet for awhile. I was glad that she was taking her time to really consider the question, but then I began to wonder if she was just searching for the right words to say the unwanted answer. She said she still wanted to be here, that she wasn’t ready to give up on us yet. It wasn’t the most re-assuring or positive answer I could’ve imagined, but it would do.
We spoke a bit more about a potentially gloomy forecast for us. The way she spoke about it gave me the impression that she had already spent a fair bit of time contemplating a negative outcome for us. I hadn’t really dared to think beyond the question I’d just asked her, but her casual manner seemed to tell me that she had had time to think about it.
I don’t know how I expected to feel or respond to her admission that maybe we might not last. I felt a moment of relief, to realize that I wasn’t alone in considering the possibility, nor was I an asshole boyfriend who was thinking of jumping ship prematurely. But at the same time I felt a dimming of hope, hearing her say the same things that I hadn’t been able to say out loud till now.
Her personal therapist had asked her if our couples’ counseling was going to be open-ended and on-going for as long as we were together, or if it had some goal or endpoint to it. Liz told her it was the latter. And it is. If we’re to continue as a couple, then we have to find a way to de-fuse these stalemates that have boxed us in. Otherwise, that’s it.
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no subject
Date: 2009-07-22 07:25 am (UTC)talking about the hard stuff even though it may not have the happy ending is really important. and just my 2 cents... but I've seen a lot of relationships fail because people aren't willing to stick it out even though it's hard.. so stick in there.. i think it's really promising that neither of you have bolted yet :D
no subject
Date: 2009-07-22 06:42 pm (UTC)I hope for you two, the best.
no subject
Date: 2009-07-23 06:10 pm (UTC)Now that the problem's out on the table, maybe you'll both be able to do things together more when you visit, to help you try to become comfortable with each other again. From what you've said, it almost sounds like you've become estranged.
Best of luck to you
no subject
Date: 2009-07-23 10:46 pm (UTC)I'm sorry I haven't been participating- I actually missed your last relationship-content post until Is aw this one because I've been busy with my own relationship and because I've been paying more attention to facebook than to livejournal. (I know, lame sauce!)
I've got nothin' here, it kinda sounds like all the cards are in Liz' hands. Unless you choose to walk while she's being indecisive. Best wishes to you, and virtual hugs.