Temporary reprieve

[astillar]

As soon as I finished writing my last post (and before receiving any of the helpful replies), I called Liz. All those thoughts were buzzing in my head and I still had that feeling that time is short for us right now. I wanted to express to her how heavily I was thinking about her ultimatum. I also wanted to make sure that she was completely serious and honest about this being THE biggest issue between us. If this issue turns out to be a scapegoat or a false alarm, I don't think I have the patience or endurance to tackle some other issue. I'm giving this one last shot and I don't want to miss.
But when Liz answered the phone, it was immediately obvious that she was already stressed and frazzled, getting ready for her vacation in a couple days. I knew if I forced another serious conversation now, she'd instantly be on the defensive. Plus, it would be pretty asshole-y of me to drop this turd in her lap just before she leaves. So instead we talked about mundane stuff; she was half-distracted with her packing. It was a short call.
Today I decided to wait. Last night I had been prepared to settle things then and there if Liz happened to say the wrong thing. It seems it was fortunate that the conversation wasn't possible. Reading y'all's replies helped me to realize that I should wait till our next therapy session to discuss this with Liz, despite my impatience. Any conversation before then will just be my opinion against hers, another unbreakable stalemate. Although I doubt Liz will accept the responsibility of overcoming her insecurity, I want to give her the best chance to understand that _I_ need that commitment from her in return for the support and praise that she wants from me. That best chance will be in the therapist's office, hopefully while the therapist is saying, "Yeah Liz, that's a fair deal. You should take it. And mean it."
Liz is out of town on vacation next week, or else we'd be going to the therapist then. While she's gone I think I'll stop by her parents' place and talk to her mom. Liz has said that her mom is the one person who she's willing to accept criticism and tough love from. Hopefully I'll learn something useful there. I expect that Liz will feel betrayed and say I went behind her back, once she finds out that I spoke to her mother without her knowing, but I need all the help I can get in understanding my fiance.
So, we've got one month to go. I'm really going to try not to force the issue before we get back to the therapist's. I'll try and redirect my attention to using the book to examine my own method of communicating to find out if I'm inadvertently sparking Liz's defensive non-communication.
One month.

Comments

[voicesofheather.livejournal.com]

I think you made the right decision, to see if the next therapy session helps. I hope it works out.

But...I should say that if my fiance talked to my mom about problems we were having "behind my back", I would probably be pretty upset, especially if I perceived that my fiance was trying to "get her on his side" or if I felt he was bringing my mother into something I wanted to be between just us. I'm sure you would never approach that situation in an immature way--I realize you're certainly not trying to get her to take your side or anything--but I still wouldn't blame Liz for being upset if she thought it was inappropriate. She could view this as a serious breach of trust.


Only you can judge the relationship between you, Liz's mom, and Liz to be able to say whether this is appropriate.

I really hope that things take a turn for the better for you and Liz.

[j-buns.livejournal.com]

i think t;s great all around. i think talking to her mom will show interest. that you're not trying to run that you're trying to solve the situation. :)