Heavy Rain

[astillar]

The rain shut down my work for the weekend. With two days off, there was really only one thing I could think of that needed to be done. I drove to Austin, anxious, rehearsing and convincing myself of what I needed to say. Though, as I got close to home, I started to lose my resolve and began looking for a way out, thinking along the lines of, "Well, a bad relationship is still better than no relationship, right?"
Got to the apartment and went in. Just seeing Liz there and hearing her greet me, I thought, "I don't want to do this. I don't want it to end." But I sat down on the couch and told Liz we needed to talk.
"I don't think I can stay in this relationship anymore," I managed to say. I couldn't bring myself to look at Liz, to see her expression. It was difficult to explain why now, was I giving up, that I didn't see any hope for us, for our relationship to improve.
"So you're ready for us to be done?" Liz asked.
I started crying as I nodded; I hated to admit that that it was over.
Liz took it better than I expected. I'd been expecting more anger and hurt from her, once we began this conversation. But she said she'd been expecting this conversation, so she wasn't completely surprised. Apparently she had been thinking about it quite a while, because she was rather matter-of-fact about it, as she started to discuss money and moving out and other practical concerns of breaking up. It stung a bit, hearing how much thought she'd put into her exit strategy. She asked me not to vilify her, or allow others to, once I broke the news of our break-up to my friends and family. I'd expected her to ask as much, but was still disappointed to be reminded of the priority she places on other people's opinions of her.
And yet, after a while of this sort of talk, I think it started to sink in to Liz and she got choked up too. We both felt that we had failed to make this work. I asked her if it would be better for her if I stayed in Austin, or if I should return to Dallas. She thought that my presence would only make things more difficult, so we agreed I should go. I told her I'd stay in town for a couple of hours in case she changed her mind.
Leaving was so damned hard. I came undone all over again and she caught me before I got to the door. We hugged for a long time, both shaking. Even at that instant, I wanted to tell her that I loved her, that I'd miss her, that I was sorry. But there was no point in saying any of that any more. Eventually I had to let go.
I sat in my truck in the parking lot in the fucking rain for a time. I didn't really want to go anywhere, but I couldn't stay here. After a while I got moving to the comic shop. I was there, trying to browse, when my phone rang. It was Liz's mom. Why would she want to talk to me now?
She'd just gotten off the phone with Liz and wanted me to know how sorry she was and to ask if I was alright. She said she loved me and wanted the best for me and that she knew that we really tried. I wasn't in any shape to be receiving such kindness and I started crying again right there in the comic shop. I told her I was okay enough to handle the drive back to Dallas, I thanked her for her concern and tried to apologize for what I was about to put her daughter and their family through. I really wasn't expecting to hear from her, or at least not to hear such caring from Liz's parent. It just made me feel worse that I'd hurt them too.

For those who know both Liz and I, she asked me not to spread the news. She wished that I could have waited till after her birthday, but understands that it had to happen now. Please help her enjoy her birthday, if you can. She put on a strong face while I was there, but I know she'll need plenty of support in the near future. I thank you for whatever you can do for her.

Comments

[voicesofheather.livejournal.com]

That was really sweet of her mom.

Please take care and I hope your life takes a turn for the better soon.

You'll both be in my thoughts

[j-buns.livejournal.com]

I'm here for both of you guys if you need it!

you really did the most you could, and i really respect you for having the strength to do the right thing :)

[twinklebat.livejournal.com]

Aw geez, I'm so sorry you two couldn't work things out. But sometimes you have to know when to cut your losses. And it may sound cliche or whatever but now you can at least learn from your whole experience from this relationship. It seems to me that after some negativity later on down the road you can at least do things like spot red flags and prioritize better. I really think you did all you could and it also sounds like you have oodles more patience than a lot of people in dealing with problems. I hope things work out the best for the both of you.