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astillarIt had been 5 weeks or so since our last session and two weeks since we'd had that productive talk. The last time I'd been home I had handed off the couples' help book to Liz for her to read. When I would call, sometimes I'd ask how the book was going or what she thought about it. I was curious and hopeful to see if it motivated her like it had me. She didn't have much to say about it.
She finished the book a few days before our scheduled session. I asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about now that she was done with it. Liz said there were a couple of topics, but she wanted to wait till we were at counseling to discuss them. That irritated me a bit, putting it off till later, but I could wait.
So I went into therapy expecting Liz to have a lot to say. But when I/the doctor asked her what she wanted to discuss, Liz said she'd forgotten what she'd wanted to talk about. That left me dumbfounded for a moment. Five weeks of time to think about stuff, with a workbook to help her along and . . . she had nothing. It was a bit anti-climactic. The first topic she seized upon was household chores. Yeah. Really. She feels that she has to nag me to clean/organize the apartment and she worries that she'll end up like her mom, wholly responsible for household duties. I couldn't believe that this was what she really wanted to discuss and after indulging this topic for awhile I had to interrupt and ask her as much. She said yes, so we remained on that trivial topic for half an hour.
First chance I got, I steered the focus back to the topic of our last session, whether I can/should give Liz the level of support and understanding that she's asking for. I shared with them the conclusion that I'd recently reached. While I may be capable of learning to be that empathetic and patient and understanding, I think it would come at the cost of respect. As I see it, people in a mature couple lean on each other and ask for help from time to time, in roughly equal amounts. As I see our relationship, a lot of the focus and support is going towards one person the majority of the time. As I explained to them, even if I could learn to provide that amount of support, I would lose respect for Liz because I would no longer see her as an equal, but as a weaker, needier person. (Sadly, I probably see her that way now.) I couldn't (can't) be in a relationship with someone I don't respect.
The doctor asked why I thought that level of support was necessary. I replied that I think Liz doesn't cope with her insecurities and fears and requires my help for her to keep it together. Liz became silent as I discussed this and I was afraid that she was withdrawing from the conversation. I also told the doctor that I was reluctant to invest energy and support into Liz when I rarely, if ever, see a return on that investment; i.e. Liz working to overcome her fears and issues. We didn't get much farther than that before time ran out, which was probably for the best; Liz might have shut down completely if we'd gone deeper. I was glad to finally get out what I'd been thinking about the past few weeks, even if it wasn't easy to say or pleasant to hear.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to emphasize the notion that this required level of emotional support comes at the cost of respect, and ultimately, is a deal breaker. I don't see how a relationship like that can last.
This past week, even before the counseling session, I came to the conclusion that our relationship is over. I don't see a way for both of us to be happy. If I could have, I would have ended it this past weekend but we were only together for a day. Not to mention, her birthday's just a few days away; it would've been especially mean to try and do it now. I'll have to wait till the next time I go home.
It makes me feel sick to my stomach, dreading the next two weeks of acting like everything's okay. If I didn't still care for her, this would be so much easier to do.
Dammit, this is the worst part.
She finished the book a few days before our scheduled session. I asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about now that she was done with it. Liz said there were a couple of topics, but she wanted to wait till we were at counseling to discuss them. That irritated me a bit, putting it off till later, but I could wait.
So I went into therapy expecting Liz to have a lot to say. But when I/the doctor asked her what she wanted to discuss, Liz said she'd forgotten what she'd wanted to talk about. That left me dumbfounded for a moment. Five weeks of time to think about stuff, with a workbook to help her along and . . . she had nothing. It was a bit anti-climactic. The first topic she seized upon was household chores. Yeah. Really. She feels that she has to nag me to clean/organize the apartment and she worries that she'll end up like her mom, wholly responsible for household duties. I couldn't believe that this was what she really wanted to discuss and after indulging this topic for awhile I had to interrupt and ask her as much. She said yes, so we remained on that trivial topic for half an hour.
First chance I got, I steered the focus back to the topic of our last session, whether I can/should give Liz the level of support and understanding that she's asking for. I shared with them the conclusion that I'd recently reached. While I may be capable of learning to be that empathetic and patient and understanding, I think it would come at the cost of respect. As I see it, people in a mature couple lean on each other and ask for help from time to time, in roughly equal amounts. As I see our relationship, a lot of the focus and support is going towards one person the majority of the time. As I explained to them, even if I could learn to provide that amount of support, I would lose respect for Liz because I would no longer see her as an equal, but as a weaker, needier person. (Sadly, I probably see her that way now.) I couldn't (can't) be in a relationship with someone I don't respect.
The doctor asked why I thought that level of support was necessary. I replied that I think Liz doesn't cope with her insecurities and fears and requires my help for her to keep it together. Liz became silent as I discussed this and I was afraid that she was withdrawing from the conversation. I also told the doctor that I was reluctant to invest energy and support into Liz when I rarely, if ever, see a return on that investment; i.e. Liz working to overcome her fears and issues. We didn't get much farther than that before time ran out, which was probably for the best; Liz might have shut down completely if we'd gone deeper. I was glad to finally get out what I'd been thinking about the past few weeks, even if it wasn't easy to say or pleasant to hear.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to emphasize the notion that this required level of emotional support comes at the cost of respect, and ultimately, is a deal breaker. I don't see how a relationship like that can last.
This past week, even before the counseling session, I came to the conclusion that our relationship is over. I don't see a way for both of us to be happy. If I could have, I would have ended it this past weekend but we were only together for a day. Not to mention, her birthday's just a few days away; it would've been especially mean to try and do it now. I'll have to wait till the next time I go home.
It makes me feel sick to my stomach, dreading the next two weeks of acting like everything's okay. If I didn't still care for her, this would be so much easier to do.
Dammit, this is the worst part.
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-10 07:29 am (UTC)Do her a favor and don't put it off. At least, in my crazy little universe, doing so shows a little bit of respect.