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astillarIt had been 5 weeks or so since our last session and two weeks since we'd had that productive talk. The last time I'd been home I had handed off the couples' help book to Liz for her to read. When I would call, sometimes I'd ask how the book was going or what she thought about it. I was curious and hopeful to see if it motivated her like it had me. She didn't have much to say about it.
She finished the book a few days before our scheduled session. I asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about now that she was done with it. Liz said there were a couple of topics, but she wanted to wait till we were at counseling to discuss them. That irritated me a bit, putting it off till later, but I could wait.
So I went into therapy expecting Liz to have a lot to say. But when I/the doctor asked her what she wanted to discuss, Liz said she'd forgotten what she'd wanted to talk about. That left me dumbfounded for a moment. Five weeks of time to think about stuff, with a workbook to help her along and . . . she had nothing. It was a bit anti-climactic. The first topic she seized upon was household chores. Yeah. Really. She feels that she has to nag me to clean/organize the apartment and she worries that she'll end up like her mom, wholly responsible for household duties. I couldn't believe that this was what she really wanted to discuss and after indulging this topic for awhile I had to interrupt and ask her as much. She said yes, so we remained on that trivial topic for half an hour.
First chance I got, I steered the focus back to the topic of our last session, whether I can/should give Liz the level of support and understanding that she's asking for. I shared with them the conclusion that I'd recently reached. While I may be capable of learning to be that empathetic and patient and understanding, I think it would come at the cost of respect. As I see it, people in a mature couple lean on each other and ask for help from time to time, in roughly equal amounts. As I see our relationship, a lot of the focus and support is going towards one person the majority of the time. As I explained to them, even if I could learn to provide that amount of support, I would lose respect for Liz because I would no longer see her as an equal, but as a weaker, needier person. (Sadly, I probably see her that way now.) I couldn't (can't) be in a relationship with someone I don't respect.
The doctor asked why I thought that level of support was necessary. I replied that I think Liz doesn't cope with her insecurities and fears and requires my help for her to keep it together. Liz became silent as I discussed this and I was afraid that she was withdrawing from the conversation. I also told the doctor that I was reluctant to invest energy and support into Liz when I rarely, if ever, see a return on that investment; i.e. Liz working to overcome her fears and issues. We didn't get much farther than that before time ran out, which was probably for the best; Liz might have shut down completely if we'd gone deeper. I was glad to finally get out what I'd been thinking about the past few weeks, even if it wasn't easy to say or pleasant to hear.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to emphasize the notion that this required level of emotional support comes at the cost of respect, and ultimately, is a deal breaker. I don't see how a relationship like that can last.
This past week, even before the counseling session, I came to the conclusion that our relationship is over. I don't see a way for both of us to be happy. If I could have, I would have ended it this past weekend but we were only together for a day. Not to mention, her birthday's just a few days away; it would've been especially mean to try and do it now. I'll have to wait till the next time I go home.
It makes me feel sick to my stomach, dreading the next two weeks of acting like everything's okay. If I didn't still care for her, this would be so much easier to do.
Dammit, this is the worst part.
She finished the book a few days before our scheduled session. I asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about now that she was done with it. Liz said there were a couple of topics, but she wanted to wait till we were at counseling to discuss them. That irritated me a bit, putting it off till later, but I could wait.
So I went into therapy expecting Liz to have a lot to say. But when I/the doctor asked her what she wanted to discuss, Liz said she'd forgotten what she'd wanted to talk about. That left me dumbfounded for a moment. Five weeks of time to think about stuff, with a workbook to help her along and . . . she had nothing. It was a bit anti-climactic. The first topic she seized upon was household chores. Yeah. Really. She feels that she has to nag me to clean/organize the apartment and she worries that she'll end up like her mom, wholly responsible for household duties. I couldn't believe that this was what she really wanted to discuss and after indulging this topic for awhile I had to interrupt and ask her as much. She said yes, so we remained on that trivial topic for half an hour.
First chance I got, I steered the focus back to the topic of our last session, whether I can/should give Liz the level of support and understanding that she's asking for. I shared with them the conclusion that I'd recently reached. While I may be capable of learning to be that empathetic and patient and understanding, I think it would come at the cost of respect. As I see it, people in a mature couple lean on each other and ask for help from time to time, in roughly equal amounts. As I see our relationship, a lot of the focus and support is going towards one person the majority of the time. As I explained to them, even if I could learn to provide that amount of support, I would lose respect for Liz because I would no longer see her as an equal, but as a weaker, needier person. (Sadly, I probably see her that way now.) I couldn't (can't) be in a relationship with someone I don't respect.
The doctor asked why I thought that level of support was necessary. I replied that I think Liz doesn't cope with her insecurities and fears and requires my help for her to keep it together. Liz became silent as I discussed this and I was afraid that she was withdrawing from the conversation. I also told the doctor that I was reluctant to invest energy and support into Liz when I rarely, if ever, see a return on that investment; i.e. Liz working to overcome her fears and issues. We didn't get much farther than that before time ran out, which was probably for the best; Liz might have shut down completely if we'd gone deeper. I was glad to finally get out what I'd been thinking about the past few weeks, even if it wasn't easy to say or pleasant to hear.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to emphasize the notion that this required level of emotional support comes at the cost of respect, and ultimately, is a deal breaker. I don't see how a relationship like that can last.
This past week, even before the counseling session, I came to the conclusion that our relationship is over. I don't see a way for both of us to be happy. If I could have, I would have ended it this past weekend but we were only together for a day. Not to mention, her birthday's just a few days away; it would've been especially mean to try and do it now. I'll have to wait till the next time I go home.
It makes me feel sick to my stomach, dreading the next two weeks of acting like everything's okay. If I didn't still care for her, this would be so much easier to do.
Dammit, this is the worst part.
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no subject
Date: 2009-09-10 03:56 am (UTC)I have no words to make it easier
no subject
Date: 2009-09-10 04:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-10 07:29 am (UTC)Do her a favor and don't put it off. At least, in my crazy little universe, doing so shows a little bit of respect.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-10 02:26 pm (UTC)Maybe this will serve as a wake-up call to her (although yes, there were already a few of those), and she'll try to improve her dependency, or try harder to understand how she contributed to the outcome.
Although this isn't worth much, since I've never been through anything like what you and Liz must be going through, I did find that after the long time it took me to get over my most painful break-up, I was eventually able to be grateful that it ended. I look back today, years later, and I'm finally glad that that relationship ended when it did. I'm glad I'm not there. And not because it was a "bad" relationship, it just wasn't right.
In the end, I'm sure everything will work out the way it's supposed to be. Whether you and Liz are able to meet on better terms later on, or you both find someone else, I'm sure you'll both be happy again.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-10 05:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-10 06:53 pm (UTC)I'm a ridiculous honesty whore and if I cound out that someone had planned on dumping me for two weeks or longer I would be enirely hurt and offended like they wer lieing to me or putting on a show for that amount of time.I think you're more mature than me in that aspect, so if you feel it best, it's likely the right thing.I love you Cody and I hope one day to find someone as dedicated and devouted as you are.
no subject
Date: 2009-09-11 02:17 am (UTC)