Inside my thundercloud
Feb. 1st, 2010 06:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
astillarDepression has been following me around the past few days. The hurt congealed into sadness. It only hurts if I really focus on the wrongs done to me and indulge in feeling sorry for myself. I can manage to avoid doing that. My thoughts continue to return to this recent realization and it’s ramifications; the emotional blow it dealt me is too much for me to simply ignore. Sadness over the abandonment, anger over the betrayal and deception. The feeling of betrayal would have been minimized and the feeling of deception erased if only she had told me about her new relationship. That honesty would’ve spared me most of what I’m feeling right now.
I find myself dwelling on the angry half at times, just to get away from the heavy sadness that otherwise dominates my mood. Anger at being deceived, anger at being used, anger when I imagine the happy whirlwind of a romance she must be having with her new man, anger when I imagine the abundant sex she’s having and which she denied to me the last year of our relationship.
I’m unable to take my anger too far though, even though I believe I’d feel a great emotional release if I could. I still can’t bring myself to gloat or wish her ill. I’m fairly certain that right now, in their new relationship, Liz is being uncharacteristically giving and loving and entertaining and clever and sexy and happy and outgoing and understanding. She’s doing all this to hold onto this new man and please him, so that he will give her all the flattery and attention she needs to feel good about herself. I’m convinced that this new fast-paced relationship of hers is primarily driven by her insecurity and fear of being alone and dealing with our past relationship. She’s chosen to delude herself with quick, temporary happiness even though it’s unlikely to last. I expect it will collapse sooner than later and it won’t be as gentle and gradual as our own end was. Even though I believe these predictions with great certainty, I can’t manage to derive happiness or satisfaction from them.
I’m hurt, I’m sad, I’m angry. Even though I know her current happiness is temporary (and will come at a high price), it’s mere existence still compounds my own unhappiness. Especially when I consider that the demise of our own relationship was hastened or facilitated by the rise of this new one. If she hadn’t met him, would she have put more effort into our reconciliation? Would we have made it? Or would she have just settled for some other guy?
I have no ill-will towards the guy. How could I, when you consider that I was once in his shoes? I don't know if he's in this for the long haul or is just in it for the fast and fun part. I doubt he's long-term material; I don't recognize him from her long-term pool of friends or acquaintances so I don't see how they could have much history or knowledge of each other, hence I suspect this is just a whirlwind rebound fling.
If there's any chance that he's in it expecting a serious long-term relationship, I'd like to give him some advice. I think my 3 years with Liz gives me some insight into her as a mate. In fact, I think one of her reasons for running away was that I came to understand her too well. Considering how Liz opts to abandon relationships on her own whim and without showing any decency or respect for the man by telling him of her decision, I think at the very least I could give him some forewarning and advice so that he isn't next in line to be played for a dupe like I was. But I doubt Liz would ever allow a situation to occur that would bring us two into contact, so it's a moot point.
Two days ago I remembered that I’d lent Liz my big ladder (just before we moved out) for her to use in hanging up decorations in her new apartment. Back then I still wanted to do what I could to help her out. (Not so much anymore, obviously.) It’s been a month now and I’d completely forgotten about it. Since I don’t want to forget about it for good, I sent her an email asking her to let me know when she was done with it. She hasn’t replied so far. She was very consistent in ignoring me the last few months we were together, in person, via email, or LJ. So I’m not too surprised that she’s continuing with this act, but in this instance I have a legitimate reason for expecting a response at the very least, so it pisses me off. Further salt in the wound was her statement that she wished we could continue to be friends after our break-up. Apparently she meant a friend that consciously ignores the other and pretends they don’t exist once they’re done living rent and expenses free with them. It was just one of her many lies I believed.
The funny thing is, although she completely ignores me and any attempts I make at communication or reconciliation, I can tell from my stats that she continues to routinely check my LJ. This really comes as no surprise, since that was her behavior throughout the majority of our relationship. Share no truth or trust with those close to her, but desperately obsess over what people think and believe about her. That behavior is driven by her deep insecurity and I used to feel sorry for her and wanted to help her with it. I no longer feel pity for her, having paid the price for that insecurity.
If it weren’t for the fact that she’s in possession of my property, I’d allow her to ignore me in perpetuity and enjoy her false romance without any intrusion from me. If she could at least exercise common courtesy and acknowledge my request, I’m sure we could arrange a civil, polite exchange. Frankly, I’m insulted that I don’t warrant common courtesy. But I’d wager that she’s gonna hold hard and fast to her "Ignore Cody 100% Policy," because any contact with or reminder of me might cause her to reflect and recognize her current relationship for the empty, temporary fix that it is. But that’s just my guess.
I’m willing to wait a few more days for her to deign to respond to my request. If she doesn’t, she’ll be forcing my hand. I’ll go over to her apartment and get it at a time of my choosing next weekend. If that catches her by surprise or causes her a moment of panic, so what? I spent three years subject to her insecurities and absurd requests; I now have no patience or reason to continue living by her irrational rules. I’m giving her a chance to cooperate with me for a mutually acceptable meeting. It’s up to her. And I gotta admit, part of me is hoping she doesn't. If I have to be the bad guy and show up at her door like I'm the police, then so be it. I'll get some answers while I'm at it.
I find myself dwelling on the angry half at times, just to get away from the heavy sadness that otherwise dominates my mood. Anger at being deceived, anger at being used, anger when I imagine the happy whirlwind of a romance she must be having with her new man, anger when I imagine the abundant sex she’s having and which she denied to me the last year of our relationship.
I’m unable to take my anger too far though, even though I believe I’d feel a great emotional release if I could. I still can’t bring myself to gloat or wish her ill. I’m fairly certain that right now, in their new relationship, Liz is being uncharacteristically giving and loving and entertaining and clever and sexy and happy and outgoing and understanding. She’s doing all this to hold onto this new man and please him, so that he will give her all the flattery and attention she needs to feel good about herself. I’m convinced that this new fast-paced relationship of hers is primarily driven by her insecurity and fear of being alone and dealing with our past relationship. She’s chosen to delude herself with quick, temporary happiness even though it’s unlikely to last. I expect it will collapse sooner than later and it won’t be as gentle and gradual as our own end was. Even though I believe these predictions with great certainty, I can’t manage to derive happiness or satisfaction from them.
I’m hurt, I’m sad, I’m angry. Even though I know her current happiness is temporary (and will come at a high price), it’s mere existence still compounds my own unhappiness. Especially when I consider that the demise of our own relationship was hastened or facilitated by the rise of this new one. If she hadn’t met him, would she have put more effort into our reconciliation? Would we have made it? Or would she have just settled for some other guy?
I have no ill-will towards the guy. How could I, when you consider that I was once in his shoes? I don't know if he's in this for the long haul or is just in it for the fast and fun part. I doubt he's long-term material; I don't recognize him from her long-term pool of friends or acquaintances so I don't see how they could have much history or knowledge of each other, hence I suspect this is just a whirlwind rebound fling.
If there's any chance that he's in it expecting a serious long-term relationship, I'd like to give him some advice. I think my 3 years with Liz gives me some insight into her as a mate. In fact, I think one of her reasons for running away was that I came to understand her too well. Considering how Liz opts to abandon relationships on her own whim and without showing any decency or respect for the man by telling him of her decision, I think at the very least I could give him some forewarning and advice so that he isn't next in line to be played for a dupe like I was. But I doubt Liz would ever allow a situation to occur that would bring us two into contact, so it's a moot point.
Two days ago I remembered that I’d lent Liz my big ladder (just before we moved out) for her to use in hanging up decorations in her new apartment. Back then I still wanted to do what I could to help her out. (Not so much anymore, obviously.) It’s been a month now and I’d completely forgotten about it. Since I don’t want to forget about it for good, I sent her an email asking her to let me know when she was done with it. She hasn’t replied so far. She was very consistent in ignoring me the last few months we were together, in person, via email, or LJ. So I’m not too surprised that she’s continuing with this act, but in this instance I have a legitimate reason for expecting a response at the very least, so it pisses me off. Further salt in the wound was her statement that she wished we could continue to be friends after our break-up. Apparently she meant a friend that consciously ignores the other and pretends they don’t exist once they’re done living rent and expenses free with them. It was just one of her many lies I believed.
The funny thing is, although she completely ignores me and any attempts I make at communication or reconciliation, I can tell from my stats that she continues to routinely check my LJ. This really comes as no surprise, since that was her behavior throughout the majority of our relationship. Share no truth or trust with those close to her, but desperately obsess over what people think and believe about her. That behavior is driven by her deep insecurity and I used to feel sorry for her and wanted to help her with it. I no longer feel pity for her, having paid the price for that insecurity.
If it weren’t for the fact that she’s in possession of my property, I’d allow her to ignore me in perpetuity and enjoy her false romance without any intrusion from me. If she could at least exercise common courtesy and acknowledge my request, I’m sure we could arrange a civil, polite exchange. Frankly, I’m insulted that I don’t warrant common courtesy. But I’d wager that she’s gonna hold hard and fast to her "Ignore Cody 100% Policy," because any contact with or reminder of me might cause her to reflect and recognize her current relationship for the empty, temporary fix that it is. But that’s just my guess.
I’m willing to wait a few more days for her to deign to respond to my request. If she doesn’t, she’ll be forcing my hand. I’ll go over to her apartment and get it at a time of my choosing next weekend. If that catches her by surprise or causes her a moment of panic, so what? I spent three years subject to her insecurities and absurd requests; I now have no patience or reason to continue living by her irrational rules. I’m giving her a chance to cooperate with me for a mutually acceptable meeting. It’s up to her. And I gotta admit, part of me is hoping she doesn't. If I have to be the bad guy and show up at her door like I'm the police, then so be it. I'll get some answers while I'm at it.
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no subject
Date: 2010-02-01 01:04 pm (UTC)Tl;dr: Email her one last time with the issue in the subject so she sees it regardless of whether or not she opens it ("Need my ladder, when can I get it?") If she refuses to comply, ask a mutual friend to do it for you. If she ignores THAT person, send one last email ("Need my ladder, coming on ___ to get it.") Failing that, too, call the cops ;p
no subject
Date: 2010-02-01 11:36 pm (UTC)And I really doubt the new guy had much to do with your relationship ending. If he hadn't come along, and Liz did put more effort into your relationship, wouldn't that mean that she only cared enough about it if something else wasn't immediately available?
You guys were having serious problems for a very long time from what I can tell. What happened was for a reason, and someday you'll probably be glad it turned out the way it did, despite the pain and unhappiness you had to go through.
no subject
Date: 2010-02-02 03:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-02 06:15 pm (UTC)And get your ladder back. D: